When you’re not sleeping well

You know the scene, you’re in bed, you’re ready for some shuteye, you’re wanting several hours of top quality, rejuvenating sleep but your brain has other ideas. When everything goes quiet your brain gets louder. So you might find it hard to fall asleep or you wake up in the middle of the night with your mind on a spin cycle.

We’re not alone in our thoughts disturbing our sleep. I remember talking to someone who comes across as a very confident, laidback, has everything under control woman and she casually dropped into conversation that she hates the dreaded 3am thoughts where everything feels harder and scarier.

And right now, with everything that’s going on in the world, in our own country, in our towns, in our homes, there is a lot to think about and process. And sometimes those thoughts don’t abide by your watch and take a break when your head hits the pillow.

I know I’m not alone in this struggle so I thought I would share some thoughts on what helps me and what might help you.

Now, it sounds obvious, for good reason, but laying the groundwork so your bodies and brains know to switch gears because we’re going to want to sleep soon, by creating a wind down routine and conditions conducive to sleep, really does matter.

So it’s things like putting away screens an hour or so before bed so that you can produce the sleep-inducing hormone melatonin. And doing something you feel is calming whether it’s reading a book, doing some yoga or journalling.

Or taking a bath or shower because going from the hot water to a cooler bedroom causes a slight decrease in body temperature which is enough to trigger a sleepy feeling.

But what about when you’re in bed, desperate to sleep and getting more stressed by the minute because your brain won’t shut up?

What helps me more than anything else is to accept that this is how things are right now. To not fight it or stress about it or try to empty my brain or get cross with myself and try super hard to will myself to sleep. Getting agitated is just going to keep me awake.

Instead I’ve learned that the best way to deal with it is to simply accept that okay, I’m awake. I don’t want to be awake. I hope I fall asleep soon but, right now, this is how things are.

I tell myself that I may fall asleep and whether I do or not I’m just going to trust that I’ll have the energy for the next day. And if I don’t? I’ll figure it out IF that’s the case (it may not be and what if-ing isn’t going to make my brain any calmer).

When you stop trying so hard to fall asleep that’s when you’re giving yourself the chance TO fall asleep. It’s a subtle but powerful mindset shift.

So after I’ve made my peace with the fact that right now I’m lying in bed in the dark awake, I then think what would feel relaxing to me. Not what can I do to make myself go to sleep, but what would feel gentle and soothing and comforting.

Thinking about my to do list for the next day, or how tired I might be, or worrying about lockdown isn’t productive because there’s nothing I can do about those things when I’m lying in bed in the dark, and they certainly won’t help me sleep.

So instead I choose to direct my thoughts to what I believe would be more helpful in that moment. That’s usually either focusing on counting my breaths as they enter and leave my body (I breathe normally, not extra deep, I’m just paying attention to my breathing).There are lots of different breathing exercises you can do, like ones where you inhale for a count, hold it and exhale for another count but it’s this simple observation of my breath that I like best.

Or something else I might do is scanning my body from my feet all the way up to my head, noticing where each part of me is in contact with the mattress. I get really detailed, starting with which toe is touching the bed, which side of which foot, really focusing on each inch of my body that is in contact with the mattress. It’s not the most interesting of exercises and that’s its beauty. Because it takes effort and it’s boring quite often my mind gives up and I nod off before I’ve reached my head. But if I do get all the way up my body to my head I don’t get cross, I just shift position and work my way back down or focus on my breathing instead.

These are two gentle exercises that I find helpful. They might be useful for you or you might find another way of directing your attention away from the busy thoughts to something more soothing.

And, just like in meditation, every time you notice your mind has been pulled back to the myriad of thoughts you simply bring it back to the new focus of your breath, or whatever it is.

The most important thing is to be kind to yourself and not get cross that you’re awake. That frustration and agitation isn’t conducive to you drifting off to sleep. It just increases your stress and makes you feel bad and that won’t do you any good.

When there’s so much that’s out of our control, and that includes being able to control the moment we fall asleep, acceptance can allow us to drop the stress and struggle and instead move forward. Whether that’s in life or sleep. Acceptance can be a tricky one to practice so applying it to when you’re finding it hard to sleep can be a great first step.

As always I love to hear what you think so if you’re listening within a week or two of this episode first airing you are very welcome to share your views in my survey, and by doing so have the chance to win a month’s membership to The Calm Mind Club for free. I’ll put the link in the show notes at gabrielletreanor.com/podcast or you can find it in my Instagram bio where I’m @gabrielletreanor. And if you fancy emailing me instead you can do that! Email [email protected].

Thanks for listening, until next time, lovely people.

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