Trying to please everyone at Christmas

Pressing Pause ep 133 Trying to please everyone at Christmas

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Welcome to Pressing Pause, I’m your host, Gabrielle Treanor, a coach, writer, introvert and sensitive soul with an inclination to ponder over the stuff of life. Join me as I explore how we can create, find and feel more calm, ease and joy in our daily lives

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We’ll get to the episode in just a moment but first I wanted to acknowledge that after almost a year since I first signed the contract, we are finally in the month my book will be published! The 1% Wellness Experiment is packed with ideas and tools to boost your mental and emotional wellbeing that take just ten minutes or 1% of your waking day, and which you can experiment with so that they work in your unique life. It’s available to pre-order now from your local bookshop or your favourite online bookstore and you’ll get it the day it’s published, 21 December. Just in time for Christmas! And make sure you go to thewellnessexperiment.co.uk to get your bonuses as a thank you for pre-ordering.

Okay, here’s the episode.

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Welcome to episode 133. This is going out on the 1 December so Christmas is just over three weeks away. On one hand it’s the most wonderful time of the year, according to Andy Williams. There are days off work, you spend time with friends and family, there are decorations and presents, food and drink, old movies and Christmas specials on the TV. But on the other hand Christmas can also feel pretty stressful for a lot of people too. Honouring family traditions, taking everyone’s needs into account, travelling, the shopping, the decorating, the cooking and the juggling of diaries, and managing your own and others’ expectations can create tension and overwhelm, and have a big impact on your enjoyment of the festive season. It’s not that you don’t want to enjoy Christmas, it’s not that you want to be all bah-humbug about it, but trying to juggle all the things and keep everyone happy can be a lot.

In your quest to have a wonderful Christmas and make sure everyone’s happy and having a good time you can feel like you don’t have permission to do what you want or need to do. Christmas can be tied up in a lot of tradition, this is how it’s always been done and so the expectation is that this is how it will always be done. I’m all for traditions but they do need to add to a celebration rather than detract from it. As time passes, families evolve, you might gain new member or lose loved ones, traditions can be a comfort but they can also be restrictive. Feeling like you’re not allowed to do things differently, to break with tradition and mix things up a little, can be a huge source of stress within families at Christmas and increase the pressure you feel at this time of year to make everyone happy.

The issue of money and how much you spend on presents or going to festive events or parties can be another pressure point. Within a family or group of friends there will be different levels of financial affluence or hardship, not to mention the current cost of living crisis, and if you have a tight budget it’s pretty stressful to feel like you have to spend more than you’re able to or are comfortable with. Money is a topic that isn’t talked about that openly, not in the UK at least, so it can feel like you’re simply not allowed to suggest adapting present buying or socialising to work with different budgets.

White Christmas can be a wonderful time of the year it isn’t for everyone. For some it can be incredibly challenging to feel jolly and happy and they really don’t wish it could be Christmas every day. With all the cheery Christmas messaging at this time of year it can feel like you’re simply not allowed to feel sad or lonely or tired or anxious. So called negative feelings are not a part of the festive season, only positivity and happiness are welcome here. So if you’re going through a difficult time, if you’re missing a loved one, if Christmas stirs up painful memories or if you’re simply worn out by life it can seem like those feelings aren’t permitted, there must be something wrong with you that you aren’t as happy as everyone else and you should hide your true feelings.

So what can you do when you feel like it’s not okay to feel what you’re feeling, to break with tradition and do things differently, to adapt and change Christmas to work for you? What can you do when you feel like making sure that everyone else is happy is more important than how you feel?

Well, for a start, how you feel does matter, your needs matter just as much as everyone else’s. This isn’t about putting yourself above everyone else, doing whatever you like and screw everyone else. It’s about factoring in what’s important to you and how you can enjoy Christmas along with your loved ones.

It’s possible that your family or friends may want to change things up at Christmas too but, just like you, they haven’t mentioned it because they didn’t feel they could. Perhaps your friends are secretly wishing that you’d all stop buying presents for each other and just go out for drinks instead. Maybe your mum would love to go out for Christmas lunch but feels like the family expect her to cook a turkey with all the trimmings so she doesn’t feel like she can suggest it. So what you may be wanting to change about Christmas could be what others want too! Someone needs to take the first step to suggest a change and while it may not be met with the response you’re hoping for it, you won’t know unless you try.

Your needs, your opinion and your feelings matter. You are allowed to have needs and opinions and feelings whatever time of year, even at Christmas. Just because Christmas has always been done this way or you’ve always done things in that way doesn’t mean that you’re wrong or selfish or uncaring because you’d like to do things differently. The fact that you’re worried about being any of those things, that you’re overthinking what your family or friends will think or say, that you want to make everyone happy, shows just how unselfish and how caring you are.

While you’re taking everyone else’s needs and feelings into account be kind to yourself. Recognise what you’re struggling with and don’t beat yourself up about it. Give yourself a break and treat yourself as you would if it was your best friend feeling like this. I’m pretty sure you wouldn’t tell her that she’s not allowed to suggest doing something different this Christmas, that she shouldn’t feel sad or upset or tired, that her needs don’t matter and that she has to do whatever everyone else wants even if it feels wrong for her. You wouldn’t treat her so meanly so don’t be so unkind to yourself.

You are allowed to feel however you’re feeling, at Christmas, and at any other time of the year. If you’re feeling lonely or exhausted or anxious or sad take care of yourself, talk to someone who will support you.

You are allowed to make changes to Christmas if the way things have always been done is no longer working for you. Traditions only become traditions over time, they all start as a brand new idea to begin with so perhaps the change you’re suggesting will become a beloved tradition in a few years’ time?

You are allowed to factor in your needs, alongside everyone else’s, at Christmas. You are allowed to create a Christmas that works for you and that you can enjoy.

If you want to work through the challenges of the festive season, focus on the practical action you can take, feel less stress and overwhelm, and more calm and joy this Christmas, my Calmer Christmas course is for you.

We don’t shy away from the difficulties the festive season can bring, the tension, and sadness, and we bring back the fun, exploring ways to create the relaxed, calm, joy-filled Christmas that you want in ways that work for you. You get instant access to the complete course the moment you sign up so you can go through it at your own pace, reading or listening to it, whatever works best for you.

Your Christmases may usually be full of family drama, trying to please everyone, juggle schedules and live up to your own, and others’, expectations but this year can be different.

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Thank you for listening to Pressing Pause, you can find the show notes at gabrielletreanor.com/podcast.

As I said, my self-paced course Calmer Christmas will help you to navigate the festivities with less stress and more joy and you can get instant access now at gabrielletreanor.com/courses I’ll put the link in the show notes too.

And in case you’re looking for Christmas presents may I suggest my book, The 1% Wellness Experiment – Micro-gains to change your life in 10 minutes a day, which you can pre-order now from your local bookshop or online and it will be delivered just before Christmas when it’s published on 21 December! And you can get bonuses as a thank you at gabrielletreanor.com/book.

As always I love to hear from you so do email me at [email protected].

Thanks for listening, until next time.