Three words that shed my shame around inconsistency and procrastination

Every day we struggle with feeling like we can’t stick to something. We struggle with the belief that growing bored of what once fascinated us and moving on to something else shows that we’re fickle and faddish. That we’re lazy and unreliable. That we are fundamentally flawed and failing at basic adulting.

Whether it be ditching the planner we thought would be our organisational saviour, giving up on healthy habits, casting aside hobbies or abandoning cleaning/tidying/DIY half done – we have more examples than we’ve had hot dinners*. Which means we have a strong narrative, probably established and then reinforced by those around us growing up, that we are incapable of consistency – so prized by our capitalist, patriarchal society.

As someone who loves the excitement and novelty of a new challenge AND who is great at thinking ‘this time will be different, this time I’ll stick with it’, I’ve been attracted to (aka suckered in) by the 100 Day Project in the past. If you’re not familiar, the basic idea is that you choose to do a specific thing, often creative, for 100 days. My Instagram and Substack feeds are awash with people talking about what they’re going to do for 100 days straight.

I joined in and managed to get to 100 days twice – in 2017 with #100DaysOfPondering and in 2019 with #100ReflectionsFromMyFutureSelf. I say managed to get to 100 days, it was more like dragging my tortured self to the finishing line. Because that’s what trying to do something for 100 days in a row felt like to my then-undiagnosed ADHD brain – torturous.

With my first 100 day project in 2017, long before I was even close to reaching the end I was clutching around for what to do, what to post, as well as how to get myself to actually post. I remember moaning to my husband about the ‘stupid, bloody project’, him suggesting I just stop and my refusal to do so because I had to prove to myself I wasn’t a quitter. And yes, I didn’t quit and I did get to the final, 100^thday but did I feel a sense of elation and joy? Nope. Just relieved it was finally over and I didn’t have to carry that millstone of obligation around with me any more.

What was supposed to be fun became something I dreaded and resented

Then, two years later, when the memory had faded I had the bright idea of embarking on a 100 day project again! This time I would be more prepared by writing the posts and taking the accompanying photos in three batches. The first batch was fun and I whipped through them in a fit of hyperfocus (not that I knew its name at the time). But then I had the stress of remembering to post my carefully prepared posts every day.

When I came to create the second and third batches the shine had worn off and it felt like a tedious chore I had to fulfil. I wanted to connect with my community on Instagram, I wanted to be part of a collective and I wanted to prove to myself I could finish but yet again, it felt torturous.

I fully appreciate that the intention behind the 100 Day Project is a lovely thing and I’ve no doubt that lots of people get a great deal from it. But, what I now realise is that it is utterly unsuitable for an ADHD brain. Too easily it morphs from a fun and exciting idea into yet another stick to beat ourselves over the head with because we find it so incredibly difficult to be consistent and complete.

The 100 Day Project may be an extreme example but each of us has countless examples where we set off on a new project, a new habit, a plan of some sort only to get distracted, grow bored, run out of steam and it falls by the wayside.

And so we wonder what’s the point in even trying when we’ll only let down ourselves and perhaps others too? If we can’t do something every day, if we can’t do something ‘properly’, if we can’t be consistent, if we skip or forget a day that’s definitive proof that we can’t do it, game over.

Here’s what I’ve learned: it’s not doing the thing consistently that matters, it’s deciding to try again when we’re inconsistent that really matters

It’s skipping a day, or several and then choosing once more to do the thing. It’s not telling yourself you’re crap, you’ve lazy, you can’t do anything right, you’re useless, you’re a failure because that’s not true.

Our brains are wired in a way that makes it harder to do the same thing repeatedly than other people’s brains. Society decided doing things repeatedly = good, not doing so = bad and that’s why we think we’re flawed.

And yes, even if we ignore societal pressures there are things that we may want to do on a more regular, even consistent basis and we get frustrated when we don’t. That doesn’t mean we can never do those things, it just means we need a different approach.

My approach?

Three words I say to myself: We go again

Forgot to meditate yesterday? We go again. I’ll try three minutes today.

Skipped my workout because I really didn’t want to do it? We go again. I’ll do ten squats today.

Started clearing out a room and then abandoned it three days ago? We go again. I’ll tackle one shelf today.

Knitting a scarf but haven’t picked up the needles in a while? We go again. I’ll knit one row today.

We go again isn’t ‘I don’t have to bother’. We go again isn’t ‘I’m a crap person for not already doing it’. We go again isn’t ‘I’ll ignore my strong thoughts and feelings about this and make myself do it anyway’.

We go again isn’t blindly following an intention or plan that may no longer serve you, and it isn’t making light of the fears, perhaps driven by perfectionism, that you have around doing the thing.

When we feel resistance to doing something we want to do it’s useful to pause for a moment and consider what else might be going on here. Perhaps you’re uncomfortable with feeling like a beginner and not being good at the task. Maybe you’re worried about the response you’ll get from others when you finish the thing and share it publicly. We can look at our thoughts and feelings, soothe ourselves and do what’s needed to create a sense of safety around the task AND still take action on it.

We don’t have to be consistent to be right or a success or good. We can be inconsistently consistent and still achieve and accomplish and do the things we want and need to do.