Maybe it's not ADHD, maybe it's just 101 coping mechanisms

As October is ADHD Awareness Month I thought I’d be pull a Wizard of Oz and give you a peek behind the curtain of how unrecognised ADHD women unknowingly hide (mask) their ADHD.

Back when I was considering that perhaps ADHD could explain – well, me – I started a document called ‘Reverse engineering my life’ where I wrote all the different ways I didn’t display obvious ADHD traits.

With this list I was trying to prove to myself that ADHD couldn’t be the explanation for what I found difficult, for what I had been criticised for or made to feel was disappointing about myself, because the real explanation was that it was a failing on my part, I was just a bit crap.

From my own experience and from what late-discovered women have shared with me, here are some of the ways that women, often sensitive, introverted, perfectionist people-pleasers, try to manage/hide their ADHD features for decades before realising their neurodivergence.

So, in no particular order…

19 ways you’ve been managing/hiding your unknown ADHD

1. Writing lists. All the lists. Lists on paper, in notebooks, in apps, on the phone, writing lists everywhere about everything in an attempt to not forget something, to not lose something, to not mess up or disappoint.
2. Being early. Knowing that more likely than not you’re going to be late and believing that would make you a terrible person you give yourself loads of time to get to where you need to be, so much so you’re often very early and have to hide or pretend you’re not.
3. Planning. If you have a plan you can’t mess up, right? So you try to get all the info and details, think of everything that could go wrong (rarely thinking about how it could all go right) and then plan it down to the nth degree. Whether you manage to carry out the plan is another matter…
4. A place for everything. You can be borderline obsessive about having specific homes for items you don’t want to lose. Because if your keys are always in a dish by the door then you know where they are. But if they’re not in the dish… well, they could be anywhere inside your home or out in the world, you’ve no idea.
5. Narrating yourself. To stay focused on a task like leaving the house with everything you need or remembering what you’re going upstairs for, you talk out loud to yourself about what you’re doing as you do it.
6. Using reminders. You struggle to remember things, from what someone told you 30 seconds ago to your best friend of 30 years’ birthday, because your brain is so busy with 1,001 thoughts whirring through it. You don’t want to ask someone to remind you because you ‘should’ be able to do this, it ‘shouldn’t’ be so hard, right? So instead you have sticky notes plastered around your desk, your home and your car. Your phone pings multiple times a day with alarms of what you’re supposed to do. And if you haven’t put it in your digital calendar with multiple alerts you’ll never remember it.
7. Curbing your curiosity. You find people and the world so interesting, wanting to ask questions and get deep into a discussion. However, you’ve learned that this can be received as being nosey and intense so you keep your curiosity to yourself. The exception is if your spidey sense gives you the feeling they’d welcome the chance to nerd out (hi, fellow neurodivergent brain!).
8. Subtle stimming. You wouldn’t call it stimming because you don’t know you’re over or understimulated but you do know that having something small and discreet to occupy your hands helps when you’re feeling overwhelmed and frazzled, or mind-numbingly bored if you’ve had to sit still for too long. So you fiddle with a button on your sleeve, a pen in your hand or twist a ring on your finger.
9. Slowing your talking speed. When really interested in and enthusiastic about a subject you can speak at hyperspeed. But, because of comments made about it and people asking you to take a breath you try to talk more slowly to come across as calmer, more professional and together.
10. Creating trip obstacles. Out of sight is out of mind so if there’s something you need to remember to action, for example, putting shopping bags in the car, taking a box of books to the charity shop, you put it where you can see it – preferably where it’s blocking the door or you’ll fall over it.
11. Flagging emails. Another strategy you employ in an attempt to reduce the likelihood of missing an important date or forgetting a task is to mark relevant emails with a flag. This works well until you have so many flagged emails you stop seeing or being able to find the important email you need.
12. Setting up automated payments. If a bill can be paid by direct debit or standing order that means you can’t then forget to pay, yes? It also means that you can continue paying for subscriptions or services long after you have no need or desire for them.
13. Taking notes. To keep your mind on what’s being said (especially if it’s a boring meeting) and so that you don’t have to rely on your memory, you scribble down as much as you can.
14. Keeping quiet in group settings. To negate your urge to interrupt or tendency to talk at length you consciously speak less and let others talk more. When this slips and you realise you’ve been ‘too’ talkative, you clam up while beating yourself up silently in your head.
15. Concentrating hard on the speaker. In an attempt to pay attention to what the other person is saying and not be distracted you keep your gaze focused on them while listening intently.
16. Panic cleaning. Although you find keeping your home in some kind of order boring and overwhelming you can’t bear the thought of being judged or criticised for messiness. This leads to a frenzy of cleaning and tidying before a visitor is due to arrive, as well as random sporadic bursts of housework when the fear of someone unexpectedly dropping by gets too great.
17. Taking instant action. When possible you action a task the moment it comes up because if you don’t you’ll forget about it and it’ll never get done. This gives the impression that you’re super efficient but it’s driven by the fear of messing up and disappointing further down the line.
18. Hiding your hobbies. Feeling embarrassed by the numerous hobbies you’ve started with great enthusiasm only to become bored, abandon and be left with a pile of supplies, you keep quiet about your latest interest or don’t even allow yourself to pursue it because it will become yet another thing you quit and feel bad about.
19. Appearing swan-like. Writing lists, making plans, using calendar alerts, having a place for important items, keeping quiet in gatherings earns you the reputation for being organised, responsible and calm. To others you look like a swan gliding on the lake but the reality is that you’re paddling furiously just to stay afloat.

This is not an exhaustive list but it is an exhausting list.

You may be nodding in agreement with some or all of what I’ve shared here. You don’t have to tick every box to recognise the effort and energy you’ve been putting into daily life.

This is why late-discovered ADHDers reach midlife feeling trapped in a cycle of overwhelm and burnout, and why it feels like they’re unravelling – because of the DECADES of striving so hard to curb and constrain your natural self. To force your square peg self into the round hole society says you should fit in.

The realisation that your struggles are not personal failings or character flaws, that you’re not just a bit crap, can come with grief, anger, sadness, relief, even joy.

If the list above is resonating with you, if you realise you have or think you have ADHD, if you don’t see your introverted, sensitive nature reflected in the more stereotypical presentation of a flamboyant, extroverted, midlife ADHD woman, be assured you are not alone.

I started talking about my experiences as an introverted, sensitive, late-discovered ADHDer, and I created the Quiet ADHD Club, specifically because I didn’t see us represented.

I’m on a mission to reach more late-discovered, introverted women so that not only can you feel less alone but also so that you can get the understanding, guidance, support and community that will make all the difference to you.

What from the list above strikes a chord with you? How else have you managed and hidden what you now know or suspect to be ADHD? Let me know in the comments.