I'm letting go of following everyone else's rules

Permission has been a running theme in my work and my life for a long time. (Along with several other ‘Ps’ such as people-pleasing, perfectionism, procrastination.) One of the experiments I shared in my book, The 1% Wellness Experiment, is on writing yourself permission slips and it often comes up when I’m giving talks and interviews.

And that’s because as introverted, sensitive women who spent most of our lives oblivious to our neurodivergence (as did everyone around us) we find it SO hard to believe or feel that we have permission, that it’s okay, that we’re allowed to do, say, be, ask for, or take what we want or need.

Why is that?

Well, one reason is that from pretty much the start we’ve been made to feel, or clearly told, that we didn’t have permission for any of these things. It wasn’t okay to be ourselves. What felt natural to us wasn’t allowed.

We learned early on that to go against the grain, to not behave in accordance with expectations and social rules was to risk being considered wrong, weird, embarrassing and disappointing. We have an inbuilt need from neanderthal days to be a part of the pack for our survival so the possibility of being cast out feels like too great a risk to our nervous systems.

So now, as adults, after decades of taking on board the message that we need to live by others’ rules and expectations, that someone ‘better’ than us needs to signal their approval, we find it incredibly difficult to give ourselves permission.

To allow ourselves to state what we need or want, what we like or don’t like.

To show our enthusiasm and excitement.

To take time for solitude and rest.

To permit ourselves to move on from what no longer interests us.

To say no when we want or need.

To be ourselves.

The result of defaulting to others for approval and permission means a lack of trust in ourselves as well as a cocktail of exhaustion, resentment and overwhelm

Learning that you can give yourself permission, that your own approval is the most important of all, is a tricky process but incredibly worthwhile. Because without it how can we hope to find the peace, ease and joy in our daily lives that we crave?

It’s an ongoing process. Sometimes it’s easier and other times (or with other people) harder to feel it’s okay to go against the grain or expectation.

So, I thought I’d share five ways I give myself permission.

Saying no when I want

Let’s start with a biggie, shall we?! Recognising the real cost to my wellbeing of saying yes when I didn’t want to or have the capacity, along with learning how to actually go about saying no was integral to allowing myself to say no when I want to, instead of the automatic yes which I then regret or resent. (Obviously there are times when I say yes even though I’d rather say no but it’s an intentional choice.)

And here’s the thing, sometimes you don’t even have to say no or anything much at all, you just need to not say yes…

Working in a way that suits me

This is another biggie because it’s multi-faceted. For the first 15 years post-university I worked in editorial departments of children’s and youth publishing. I worked at desks in open plan offices, 9-6pm (at least), Monday to Friday, and it was about being productive, meeting deadlines, proving myself and climbing the ladder. Work could have fun moments with friends I made but what was most important was working hard and being seen to be working hard (presenteeism, anyone?).

So when I left my career in publishing to work full-time for myself in my stationery business I found it so hard to allow myself the flexible working ways I craved. However, time and self-development means that I now allow myself to:

• Work where I want to – curled up on a couch, in a café or library (that’s where I’m writing this from), in bed, as well as at my desk in my study.
• Multi-task – I know, we’re told it’s a big no-no, but switching between tasks doesn’t stop me from focusing but actually helps me because I don’t get bored.
• Work in short or long bursts – I used to think when I started a piece of work or writing I had to keep going until I finished it, which would see me procrastinating starting at all. Sometimes I can become hyper focused and don’t move from my laptop for hours but other times it suits me to work for a short amount of time on something and then take a break or change task.
• Make it fun – whoever said worthwhile work has to be hard did a great PR job because that message really stuck. But it doesn’t! When I find a way to make work feel enjoyable and fun – that could be where I work, having music on in the background or gamifying it – it’s much easier for me to start, stay engaged and, I believe, what I create is of a higher quality. In her book,Chill & Prosper, Denise Duffield-Thomas writes about making it easy – she’s referring mainly to earning money – but I’ve taken the message more broadly and give myself permission to look for and follow the path of least resistance in work and life.

Following my needs

For too long a time I thought it wasn’t okay, I wasn’t allowed, to do what I needed to regulate myself and to honour my energy levels. So I went to places when I was already overstimulated, I stayed up late when I was already tired, I continued pushing on when I was already overwhelmed. Because, like not feeling able to say no, I didn’t feel able to be the, often only, one saying I don’t want to or I can’t.

Before I knew about my introversion let alone my ADHD I believed it was a personal failing that I felt wired and tired when everyone else around me (there are a lot of extroverts in my personal life) seemed to have endless battery life.

Understanding myself better has empowered me to give myself permission to leave events or places when I’ve had enough and, ideally, before I hit peak overstimulation or overwhelm. I’m okay with being the first to go to bed when staying with family or friends or taking time out for myself during the day.

I also allow myself to go directly against what I was told not to do as a child and do actions I now know to be stimming – actions that regulate myself. Things like twirling my hair, bouncing my foot, swaying or fiddling with an object. I was expressly told off for doing these as a child and while I’m still conscious of not disturbing others while I do them (like making a shared seat vibrate with my bouncy foot) if I want to twirl a strand of hair around my fingers I let myself do it!

Greater self-understanding releases old stories and shame, it’s empowering

Releasing what no longer interests me

Something I hear often is how much ADHDers beat themselves up for going off or getting bored of something that they had been so interested in and enthusiastic about, especially if they now have a stack of redundant supplies. Having been given the message as a child that I was ‘faddish’ and needed to ‘pick something and stick with it’ I felt shame for changing my mind when my interest waned, from changing hobbies to changing career.

Once again, a greater understanding of how my brain works (which is why I’m so passionate about helping you to better understand yourself too) allowed me to release this old shaming story.

Finding so many different things interesting means that I’ve collected all kinds of information which can come in handy at pub quizzes! There is so much in the world to learn about, to explore and investigate that to castigate myself for my innate curiosity seems mad.

So now, if I’m finding the book I’m reading boring I don’t make myself finish it but move on to a new read. If I feel reluctant to pick up a hobby I set it aside, knowing there there’s a fair chance that in the future it could feel novel again and my interest will be reignited. There may be a TV show, music album, meal or something else that I loved, I raved about and couldn’t get enough of but if one day it no longer interests me I feel no qualms in letting it go.

Caveat: There’s a difference between disinterest and discomfort – if it’s the latter I look a little deeper and consider what I can gain from continuing with what feels challenging.

Setting aside what I’ve lost interest in doesn’t make me a quitter or someone with no staying power, it doesn’t say anything awful about who I am as a person. It’s simply that my brain wiring makes it borderline torturous to continue with something which no longer holds my interest.