A busy brain with no off switch

One of the reasons ADHD can be misunderstood is because of the persisting belief that its hyperactivity trait needs to be visible. It’s the little boy who can’t sit still in class. It’s the fidgeting teenager. It’s the adult who’s always on the go, here, there, everywhere – a human whirlwind.

And while that can be how hyperactivity presents, what isn’t talked about is the hyperactivity happening on the inside, not seen on the outside.

The inattentive only subtype of ADHD may be wrongly applied to some adult women in diagnosis because their hyperactivity is internalised rather than externalised.

All may look calm on the outside, at times it may look like very little is happening at all (we’ll come on to that) but inside, well, that’s where you’ll find the whirlwind.

Inside the brain of many ADHD women – particularly the quiet, introverted, sensitive and empathetic woman (anyone else described as living in their heads?) – there is a LOT going on.

There are layers upon layers of thinking including any or all of:

• Replaying what’s happened in the past including mistakes or moments you’re still cringing over 40 years later.
• Narrating and commenting on what’s happening right now.
• Imagining what’s coming up, what could happen, what someone could do or say, what could go wrong and what that would mean.
• Random thoughts that come out of nowhere – quotations, questions, realisations, images, memories, ideas, solutions…
• Noticing sounds, smells, textures, temperature – of the room, literally, and figuratively as you sense people’s moods.
• Hearing music or a song.

These thoughts aren’t queued up patiently waiting their turn in the spotlight. They’re all happening at the same time, jostling together on the crowded dance floor of your mind, each dancing to their own tune but all playing simultaneously.

I’ve heard some great descriptions of what’s going on inside our brains from thought trifle (thanks, ) to minions running riot ( shared that one with me) to the spaghetti junction of motorways (that came up in a conversation).

So, like I said, it’s a lot.

One of my biggest surprises when I discovered my ADHD is that not everyone’s brains have this much going on all the time. The idea that there are people walking around having one thought at a time blows my… well… mind.

And if you’re reading this as a person without ADHD (did someone suggest you take a look? I’d love to know) you may be wondering how this is possible.

• How can someone’s brain be thinking so many things at the same time?
• How can you focus on anything with all that noise in your head?
• And how does your brain not explode with it all?!

In answer to the first question – our brains are wired differently so this is just how it works, it’s not a choice. Our brains are working at lightning speed, darting from one thought to another, back and forth through time, through our senses, so fast. If you could flip open the top of the skull and take snapshot it’d look like a photo of speeding traffic at night where all the lights are blurring.

This speedy thinking (my technical term) can be a right royal pain in the butt, making you feel like you don’t have any control over your brain, creating exhaustion and overwhelm, and stopping you from getting a decent night’s sleep.

However, it has its uses – idea generating and problem solving are two examples – I’ll get into that in another post.

For question two, sometimes with great difficulty! I find that there are times when it quietens down, particularly when I’m in hyper focus (totally zoned in on a task I’m interested in, could be anything from a book I’m reading to a conversation I’m having) where the volume of my brain is turned down as all my attention is on one thing.

But there are plenty of times, often quite inconvenient times, when it’s hard to stay focused and pay attention because of the thought flurries.

And for the third question – it can feel like our brains might explode at times!

But people won’t necessarily see this internal hyperactive thinking show up on our outsides. They don’t see the multiple conga lines shimmying their way through our heads.

It’s quite the opposite.

Because so much is happening inside our minds not only do we not look hyperactive on the outside there are times when we can be mistaken for, at best, resting and at worst, being lazy. Because we’re not doing anything. ‘Just’ staring at the TV, phone, out the window or into space.

The volume and pace of your thoughts, the amount of stimulation being processed, can be so great that you become frozen by them. Halted by the multitude of thoughts, fears, ideas, memories, options as well as external stimulus.

There are so many things you could do, there are so many things you need to do, there are so many things you should do, there are so many things that interest you, that you want to find out about, there is just. so. much…

With all of this flying around your head at the same time it can render you immobile. Like a car engine that won’t start because the engine’s flooded with petrol.

So while the many, many, many thoughts flying around an ADHD brain may prompt busyness you can see – multi-tasking, darting from one thing to the next, getting loads done, go, go, go – it can also look like… not much at all.

The busyness is very much there but it’s internal, a whirlwind contained inside the brain.

Do you recognise hyperactivity within yourself, and is it typically internal or external?