The fear of your ADHD not being believed

Pressing Pause ep 146 The fear of your ADHD not being believed

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Welcome to Pressing Pause, I’m your host, Gabrielle Treanor, a coach, author and writer. Join me as I share the experience of life as a quiet, introverted, sensitive woman diagnosed late with ADHD, and I’ll explore how we can work with our brains to feel more peace, ease and joy.

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In the previous episode 145 I spoke about the reasons why more women in midlife are discovering they’ve been living with ADHD all their lives without knowing it. Before we get in to this episode where I’m going to share my thoughts on the very real fear that you’ll be thought of as jumping on the bandwagon if you talk about how you have or think you have ADHD, I wanted to remind you of the online space I’ve created where women who are more introverted, sensitive and who have or think they might have ADHD can find understanding, guidance and support in the company of other women who get it. It’s called the Quiet ADHD Club.

Each month we explore a different aspect or challenge of our ADHD such as procrastination or overthinking, and we have guest experts share their knowledge and insight with us too. We have weekly accountability threads and body-doubling sessions, monthly Q&As, plus there are extra bonuses and goodies.

There is no pressure to join in or keep up, it’s a pic n mix for you to choose what is helpful to you. The Quiet ADHD Club is a warm, relaxed and supportive place where you are free to be you. To find out more and join go to quietadhd.com.

Okay then, on with the episode.

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Welcome to episode 146. Something that a lot of women who are discovering their ADHD are fearful about, and it stops them talking about this huge new realisation about themselves, is people rolling their eyes and saying they’re just jumping on the bandwagon.

It’s the idea that there are SO many women in their 40s, 50s and beyond who are now declaring they have ADHD that it’s the thing to do. To quote writer Kat Brown, “It’s not a bloody trend”. As I spoke about in episode 145 there are several valid reasons why more women are realising they have ADHD, including hormonal changes in perimenopause, exhaustion from decades of trying to live up to society’s standards, major shifts in family life and routine, and more knowledge and awareness of how ADHD traits present in girls differently to boys.

So, in actual fact, there is no bandwagon. It is not the accessory du jour, it’s not a trend and nor is it an excuse.

I believe that if a person rolls their eyes and says you’re jumping on the bandwagon it’s because they don’t have the knowledge and information about what ADHD is and how it shows up in your life. And if they have the knowledge and information and are still eye-rolling do you want to spend your energy trying to convince them?

It’s understandable. It wasn’t all that long ago that I didn’t think much about ADHD beyond it being the label fidgety boys in my class at primary school were given. But then I learned otherwise.

While my family and friends didn’t roll their eyes, or at least not to my face, or tell me I was jumping on the bandwagon they were surprised when I told them I have ADHD. The only ones not surprised were my neurodivergent friends. Because they could see the signs, they could read my tells behind my poker face.

It’s understandable that those closest to us don’t see our ADHD. Not just because of a lack of knowledge or awareness but because of our brilliant masking. If you’ve mostly kept it together and functioned in life because of myriad routines and strategies and working bloody hard at it they won’t see the problem.

Or if you’ve been quick to explain away your forgetfulness, poor money management, messiness, poor timekeeping, over-sensitivity… as a personal failing, you’re just not good at this stuff – that’s the accepted explanation.

Hell, it’s why we question our own diagnosis sometimes! Because of decades of being told, or telling yourself, that this is just who you are – you’re rubbish at some stuff. There isn’t a rational, neurological explanation. You’re just a bit, or a lot, crap.

But you’re not. Now you know, whether you have a diagnosis or you recognise the traits and challenges in yourself (you don’t need a diagnosis to prove you have ADHD), the reason behind what has felt and been difficult for so much of your life, as well as what’s great.

But what do you do if you’re worried that someone close to you, someone whose opinion matters to you, will think you’re jumping on the bandwagon if you tell them you have or think you have ADHD?

Let’s point out straight away that until they actually demonstrate it you don’t know for sure they will.

Let’s also remember that if they’re important to you chances are they care about you as much as you care about them. They may be confused, they may not understand at first but that brings us back to the lack of knowledge and awareness.

And that’s where you can start – sharing information with them about what ADHD really is, how it shows up in women and why so many midlife women are discovering they have ADHD.

You don’t have to begin with relating it directly to yourself if you don’t want to. You don’t have to provide justification from the outset, arguing your case for why you think you have ADHD.

You can talk about ADHD in midlife women in more general terms, mention an interesting podcast you listened to or a programme on the radio. If you’d rather not begin with a conversation you can send them links to articles or posts to read – listeners have told me they’ve played my podcast episodes to their loved ones, or sent them my newsletter posts to help explain what they’re struggling to put into words. You can find my posts which I also send as emails at gabrielletreanor.substack.com and I’ll put a link in the show notes too.

It can feel vulnerable to share something that feels this huge, this personal, even with the people closest to you because of the fear you won’t be believed.

Which is what the worry that you’ll be thought of as jumping on the bandwagon really boils down to – the fear that yet again you’ll have got it wrong, you’re being too much by using ADHD as the reason for your not enoughness.

And that feels scary. It feels vulnerable.

So perhaps embrace that scariness. Embrace that vulnerability by sharing how you’ve been hesitant to talk to them about this because they matter to you and it’s important that they listen and take you seriously.

The people who care about you as much as you care about them are on your side, they just might need more information to understand.

And the ‘people’ in general, the people out in the world who refuse to understand even when given all the information, you don’t owe them any more explanation, justification, time or energy.

One final question to leave you with is:

Do YOU think you’re jumping on the bandwagon? Do YOU believe that you have ADHD? Is your fear that other people will think you’re jumping on the bandwagon actually a reflection of the worry you have that ADHD is an excuse not an explanation?

Having this realisation, making this discovery about yourself so many decades into your life is a lot to take in. You don’t have to figure it out on your own. Whether you’re resonating with what I’m sharing in these episodes, or you think you have ADHD or you know it for sure, I’m here to help you to understand, accept and love yourself, to work with your brain and your natural traits, so that you can experience more calm, joy and freedom every day.

As I’ve already mentioned there’s the Quiet ADHD Club and I offer one to one coaching too. You can find all the ways I can support you at gabrielletreanor.com. Go gently, we’re in this together.

Thanks for listening, until next time.

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